Saturday, July 24, 2010

Friday, July 23, 2010

Playing around with my virtual world

Because I hate the lime light, unlike some I can mention (yes Bob, I AM looking at you), I am working on doing interviews in Virtual Reality. I have a VR stage set up in the clock tower. And Ranga Sales has kindly offered to assist.

And the reason I am wearing an butcher apron? I do spend a lot of time preparing food for Bomber and Walshie, and both like their meat raw. Only Walshie bothers to take it of the cow first.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The best example of a successful political social media campaign

Did you see the @oldspice man's videos he made on Youtube? No, not the Old Spice ads (which are fucking awesome), but the question and answer project he did in the last week?

Congratulations, you saw the perfect example of a political social media campaign.

Now you would be saying that I am full of shit if I was anyone else except for me, but hear me out.

He was connecting with his audience, and his audience loved him.

It was not a fucking sound bite delivered via social media. It was a simple question being answered.

In the Old Spice Man's world, the responses where humourous, over the top and surreal. However, he was not trying to shovel a fucking slogan down our throats, or pound a fucking product into our subconscious. He was being a man (an awesome man, the er), talking to his adoring public, one at a time. The message was not to everyone at once, but assessable to everyone, via twitter, facebook, youtube and what not.

The message was subtle. It was simple. The message is "Old Spice makes you awesome". He did not have to blurt it out. He reached out to the net terrorists and porno kids at He reached out to the Twitterati like Rose McGowan and Alysia Milano.

And they loved it, and shared it.

It became a meme. It swept the internet faster than Rick Astley or Star Wars Kid.

It was perfect.

And if used for politics, it would be perfect as well.

The fucking statanists at Sussex St or King St have no idea. The ALP has in its federal arsenal some very telegenic talent. Fucking Peter Garret has more credibility in his shit that Tony Abbott has in is empty head. Maxine McKew used to be on FUCKING Television! Even Kate Lundy has massive credibility in the Aussie interwebs. SO FUCKING USE THEM.

Get some of the trainee drones and arse kissers to scan social media, and pick 20 questions a day. Any question. Don't stack it with stooge crap. Questions from the public. You know...THE FUCKING VOTERS!

Get someone on a camera for 2 hours a day and answer the questions. Does not have to be the same person, rotate to show that the ALP is fucking full of AWESOME talent. And answer the FUCKING QUESTIONS!

Answer honestly, succinctly and most importantly, avoid the slogans. The social media audience will gut you like day old fucking fish if you repeat the old slogans like mystical chants, and 4Chan will nuke your servers.

Treat them like sensible people. Its not a speech. It is a conversation between the speaker and the questioner.

Engage with the fucking voters, and they will do the spreading of the message for you. That is what a fucking internet meme means. Don't control the message.

However, I think this is as likely as a virgin surviving a night in Sussex St. I can fucking dream though

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Yes, I did write THAT letter. You can find a pdf of it here on the Oz.

I wrote about 5 drafts. One I threw away because I was laughing my arse off from the claims that Bob and Blanche leaked to the Murdoch press. Four of them did have fucking colourful language, which I do tend to sprinkle into my writing and speeches.

I am very happy with the result. I knew I was not writing for Bob alone, as he would leak it straight away. I was surprised that he went to The Australian, I thought it would have gone to the tabloids.

The issue is that Bob has now discovered that he misses public adulteration. Being away from the limelight for so long must be anathema for B&B. The tele-movie (what a road smash that promises to be, another blatant attack on yours truly) and the rewriting of history (that is, the second biography) is his way to regain the public love he misses.

I do like Bob. He, in his day, could sell coal to Newcastle and shit to the press gallery. However, the Government was not just one person. It was a collection of party members, back benchers, Ministers and staffers. Bob even proved he could carry on without me when I went back to the back bench (not for long though).

Even though I was a large part of the Hawke Government, and the source of most of its most inspired reforms, it was a team effort and everyone had their part to play. It was not all about me, or all about the Silver Bodgie. It was about the True Believers making the world a better place.

I am not thrilled with the idea of writing a book. I am more concerned with my present projects: trying to turn Peter Walsh back to a human (or as close as possible), creating RoboGough so he can go back to 1972 and kill Sir John Kerr, redesigning Sydney to get rid of some of the blighted buildings (and find the best place for my 30m bronze statue), and planning my next suit and clock buying trip when the Euro zone economy ends up in Banana Republic zone. I don't need the love of the public like B&B does.

I think it will be better to let the 30 year rule run its course on the Cabinet papers and let history and historians judge us. Unless they are arse licking liberalites of cause!

10 Questions that the Tasmanian Liberal Fucktards want answered by Gilliard

Well, the stagnant pool of slime called the Tassie Liberals have 10 questions for Julia Gillard. Since I don't care anymore, I will break the pollie code and answer them truthfully and succinctly.


1. Will the Prime Minister rule out using taxpayers’ money to buy-out Tasmanian forest industry jobs?
No. Throwing taxpayer money at Tassie Loggers wins more votes wins more votes with the urban greenies than it lose in the state where there is less population than Bankstown.
2. Does the Prime Minister still support the Mark Latham forest policy, as she did in 2004?
Who the fuck is Mark Latham?
3. Will the Prime Minister give a guarantee that no Tasmanian mining company will be impacted by Labor’s proposed new mining tax?
The Tasmanian mining industry was never the focus for the Resource Royalty Tax. If Tasmania was drawing in a shitload of people and paying truck drivers $100,000, then you might have issues.
4. Why did Ms Gillard short-change Tasmanian cancer patients by $30 million?
Because you get more bang for buck if you spend that $30 million anywhere else. 
5. Where is the MRI machine for the North West coast that Sid Sidebottom promised?
Next to the Unicorn and Magic Dust in the corner. Never count your promises until you put your cold dead hands on them.
6. What is Ms Gillard doing to fix the debacle over the GP Super Clinics that Labor promised the Tasmanian people three years ago?
See question 5
7. Has the Prime Minister driven on the Midland Highway?
No. Prime Ministers fly everywhere. 
8. Will she match the Coalition’s $400 million commitment to duplicate it?
Has hundred of people died on it? Does it supply an important port or inductry? Is it in a maginal seat? Thats the piority.
9. Given that Ms Gillard’s predecessor Kevin Rudd said that while he was Prime Minister union boss Kevin Harkins’ chances of becoming a Labor Senator would be “Buckley’s and none”, would Ms Gillard now support a reinvigorated Kevin Harkins Senate campaign?
Only if he guarantees 2 lower house seats.
10. If she does, then would she also support Mr Harkins’ plan for Tasmania to be used as a regional processing centre for asylum seekers?
Of cause not. We only intend to ship asylum seekers to third world countries. Sending them to Tasmania is cruel.
Once again, I have to question if the Liberal backroom people parents where brothers and sisters....

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Why do people have this delusion that democracy works?

I am still fucking hearing from people saying they want a fucking "democratically elected" leader.

Look, the fucking Westminster system never had popularly elected leadership, do you thing Oliver Cromwell would become Prime Minister if it was open up to popular fucking vote?

The fact that the franchise has been open to all has only been around since 1895. AND THAT WAS IN FUCKING SOUTH AUSTRALIA! Before that only men had the franchise. And the Native Australians only got the vote in the 1960's!

Even in America, you do not popularly elect the president. You vote for an electoral collage voter, who is not beholden to the voters who elect him, and CAN CHANGE who he/she is going to vote for! The reason this occurred was partly slave owners fearing being swamped by the populous north, and also the founding fathers where not too keen of leaving the President to popular vote.

Fucking hell you guys, I am starting to sound like Bob fucking Carr!

The fact that having a non democratically elected head of state (the Queen) means while you can get pure bastardry like in 1975 (maintain the fucking rage!), you also have a person who owes no one for his or her position. Serious money is needed to run a political campaign, and as the #openinternet weenies are discovering, the more money you throw at Canberra, the more votes you get where it counts, in Causcus!

So shut the fuck up, you want change, pay for it!

Monday, July 5, 2010

There is no Red Traffic Light

My fellow Australians, let me categorically say this: It's all Sussex st. fault.

Those inept slimy toads could not run a real tax base, so they are dependent on traffic fines for revenue.

And the bastards have it in for me.

Clearly when the matter is finally sorted out with some oblique threats, um, I mean, careful review of the facts, I will clearly be vindicated of any transgression against the NSW road laws.

Lying, cheating, backstabbing and other functions of NSW politics however, I claim the statue of limitations has passed, so there!

The Ruddbot, bad design hurts.

Now that the Ruddbot has been casted off by the headkickers of Sussex st, I decided to look at the design to see where it went wrong and if there was anything I can salvage for RoboGough.

1. Empathy module. Clearly worked like a treat before the election. The "Kevin07" module, the Sunrise appearances, his tentative social media experiments worked fine. However, when he got to the Lodge, there must have been a power surge. What the fuck was he thinking about fucking around with the aussie lingo like that. It clearly showed there was a major bug in the Empathy module. However the Empathy module failed completely after Copenhagen, when the puppeteers dropped the Climate agenda. Clearly, the goodwill gained by "John Howard + Climate" subroutine failed, causing the whole module to collapse, leaving the punters bewildered and confused.

2. The Bullshitinator. Always important for a pollie, to bullshit like there is no tomorrow (because it is often the truth). This should have been working perfectly, as Howard has been using the source code for 13 years. The truth is, the Bullshitinator module was badly ported to the Ruddbott, and he looked like a little boy caught in the biscuit barrel. If you cant lie, don't. If you can lie, don't get caught. Simple rules. Saying Climate was the "Most Important Thing EVER" then dropping it like a primed grenade was so fucking stupid, and Ruddbot was caught in the explosion.

3. Timing. The time to call a Double Dissolution election was after the 3rd vote on Climate. Clearly the number cruncher module was not even switched on.  Never leave number crunching to the Labor Machine, they are too busy working their own numbers to care for the electoral polls. Hoping the Mad Monk would crack under pressure was insane. Although I have to give credit to John and Bronwyn's bastard sprog, he surprised me by not totally fucking himself up al la Peter Debnam.

4. The Killer module. A politician needs to be a blood sport gladiator on speed. If you are not kicking your opponent in the nuts, you are kicking the heads of your caucus. However, being a killer does not mean running your ministers as announcing machines for your decisions. You need to give them breathing space, because when you (inevitably) cock punch them for fucking up, it looks more believable if the minister actually made the mistake. Cock punching because of YOUR mistake is bloody obvious to everyone, and it only makes caucus and Cabinet more willing to stab you in the back when the numbers turn to shit. As they did.

So, is there anything in Ruddbot I can use for RoboGough? Spare parts. Everything else has suckage disease, and not worth the effort in salvaging.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Some Home Truths

You must have heard a lot of crap being flung around during the spill about "mandates" and "being elected to do a job". Guess what? There is no fucking mandate! We do not fucking elect governments, let alone Prime Ministers!

We vote for 1 person per division. 1. If you are lucky enough to live in a swinging electorate, then your vote is worth something, and money will flow into your electorate. If you are in a safe electorate for one of the major parties (like, ahem, Bankstown), your vote means shit. It is so shit that sometimes the party machine will put into the electorate someone who is unelectable anywhere else (like a union boss or religious fundy nutjob who is tight with the party).

So we vote for one person. And chances are, that person is not even who you voted for. Anyway, the person the majority of the people in your division voted for (or snuck in on preference deals that makes Antony Green's head explode) goes to Canberra. There the Governor General will ask all the people who managed to win their electorate "Who shall become the Government".

So it is Parliament, not the people, who elect the government. And the Prime Minister. Generally elected by the government. So even LESS people vote on who leads the government than who vote to FORM government.

And the powers of a Prime Minister. According to the constitution, none. NOT EVEN MENTIONED! All that is mentioned is that a "Council of Ministers" shall advise the Governor General. There is NO FUCKING CABINET mentioned EITHER!

You don't need a cabinet. Gough and Lance Barnard formed a duumvirate where all the ministries where split between Gough and Barnard for 2 weeks. PERFECTLY LEGAL!

Governments and Cabinets can take any form Parliament allows. All you need is the numbers. And not from the voters, but from the political drones you idiots elected to go there. Don't you feel like an idiot now? Huh?

So, next time you hear someone mention "MANDATE" to you, you are authorised by me, Former PM Paul Keating, to beat the fucking shit out of them. Those people are to dumb to live. And if it was a politician who says it, kill their whole fucking family, to prevent the posion in the gene pool to expand.

Julia Gillard is on Twitter

Yeah, I know you don't care that @JuliaGillard is on Twitter.

I am just hoping her tweets are not as boring lame arsed as @kevinRuddPM. Fucking hell they where tedious!

So, here I am, you ungrateful scum

Not only do I sacrifice my valuable time telling you shits what you need to know on twitter, I have now decided to enter the wild web, (what do the kids call it, the bogosphere?), to lay down some home truths.

Or maybe not. This fucking keyboard clicking is clashing horribly with the Seth Thomas Beehive clock I have on my desk.

So, remind me, what the fuck am I doing here anyway?